Officially a Senior

My junior year is over and I am officially a senior. I can honestly say that this was the most difficult year of school for me yet. As I was overwhelmed with difficult classes and stressful days, my family also suffered the greatest loss we've ever known: my Grandmother, the one that held us all together. Days this year were spiritually and emotionally exhausting. It would be so wrong for me to say that my junior year was awful, horrible, or anything of that nature. It wasn't always pretty or perfect. And it sure wasn't always rainbows and butterflies. But it was real, and it was worth it. And I can say without a doubt, my junior year made me stronger.

My classes were tough, each involving a lot of time and constant effort. Maybe I can't tell you exactly how to say a sentence in Spanish, maybe I can't solve a math equation perfectly, and maybe I can't tell you exactly what I learned in my US History or Physical Science class....here's what I can tell you: I'm stronger because I pushed through when all I wanted to do was give up. I kept going. I may have failed a test every now and then, but I don't considerate it failing because I tried.

This year was difficult, and at times I felt down and discouraged. Other times I was thrilled and excited. It's been a roller coaster ride. A ride that I'm happy and sad to see end all at the same time. I'm more than grateful for all the opportunities God afforded me my junior year.....from falling in love with 24 2nd graders to making memories with friends I'll never forget. I'm grateful. Grateful for a school I'll be sad to leave this time next year....and grateful for all that God has in store for my future.

Let it Shine.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. Don't let Satan blow it out, I'm gonna let it shine. Don't let Satan blow it out, I'm gonna let it shine. Don't let Satan blow it out, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."

On Friday, in my English class, we were in reading groups. My group happened to be completely off topic. One guy in the group, who I've known for years, was telling the group how badly he wanted to kill several people. He was not joking, he was as serious as a heart attack. He was talking about how much he hated "so-and-so" and he went on and on. Words of hatred came out of his mouth faster than I could blink. Having known this guy since elementary school, I know that he plans to be a youth minister one day. The words coming out of his mouth and his career choice simply did not match up. I'm not saying ministers are perfect, no one is perfect. But, if you could have heard the words he was saying, you wouldn't want your teenager under his leadership.

After several minutes of listening to him rant and rave, I simply could not stand it any longer. So, without holding anything back, I said, "You need some help. Actually, you need Jesus." He replied quickly, "I have Jesus." After he said that, my English teacher came over to our group to try to get us back on topic, so I didn't have the chance to say what I wanted to say. I so badly wanted to say, "If you have Jesus, then ACT like it."

Sometimes, Christians (myself included) get so caught up in life that we forget that living for Jesus is more than just claiming to follow Christ, it's living in a way that shows the world that you've been forgiven, redeemed, and changed from the inside out. We need to act like we "have Jesus." We need to show others so that they may see there is something different about us.

In Matthew 5:14, Jesus calls us to be the light of the world. We need to live in such a way that our light shines brightly. We need to shine our light, proving to others that Jesus is our everything. We need to love in a way that others may see Jesus in our words and actions. As my classmate spoke words of hatred, I saw absolutely no Jesus in him. We are supposed to speak words of hope, love, and encouragement. Not hate and discouragement. It made me incredibly sad...sad for him and the road in which he is traveling. I know that I'm far from perfect, but I so badly want to be used by God in a mighty way...and I strive to speak and act so that others see Jesus inside of me. And I pray that Jesus inside of me is more than obvious.

My prayer is that we will all shine so brightly that "a city on a hill cannot be hidden." And that we "let our light shine before others, that they may see good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

One month.

"...and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more; neither shall their be mourning, nor crying, nor pain, any more: the first things are passed away." Revelation 21:4, NIV.

Yesterday marked one month since my Mawmaw and best "buddy" went to be with Jesus. I don't think it has gotten any easier without her. It's been a month since I've held her hand and heard her sweet voice. Sometimes it doesn't even seem real, other times it seems so real it hurts. Nothing can prepare you for the loss of someone who has been such an instrumental part of your life. Although, sadness and grief can overwhelm us, I have never been more grateful for the Hope we have in Jesus. "Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed, the victory is won, He is Risen from the dead...."

I have learned several things about grief. Grief can hit you like a ton of bricks. And grief is necessary. Tears are inevitable, and when they fall, they are healing. The other day, I was cleaning and going through some things....I came across a stack of Christmas, Birthday, and Get Well Soon cards that people have given me over the last few years. I found several cards that my Mawmaw had given me, and immediately fell apart. Sitting in the middle of the floor in my room, I bawled as I realized that I wouldn't receive another card from my Mawmaw. I realized that life as my entire family knew it, had changed. All holidays would forever be different. But as hard as it is and will be, I know that she is with us. She is in Heaven watching over us....and I've never been more determined in my life to make someone proud.

Not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind....and although I miss her terribly, I'm rejoicing that she's received her Prize. Our loss is Heaven's gain. She is now with the One she's been longing to see! And when my time comes, "I will Rise when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain, I will Rise on eagles' wings, before my God, fall on my knees, and rise.....I will Rise...." I'll be ready and I'll be with my "best buddy" again.

I read this quote the other day and found it so helpful. "You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile that she has lived. You can close your eyes and pray she'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all she's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember her only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on." -David Harkins.

Although our sadness is inevitable, I am going to smile because she has lived, and cherish her memory, letting it live on. And in all I do, I promise to make her proud. I am who I am because of the woman that she was. I am a better person for having known her and having been loved by her. Thank you God, for all the time I had with this beautiful woman of God. I am forever changed by her love.

Heaven is a sweeter place...

On Monday, April 4th, my Mawmaw, "best buddy", inspiration, friend, and hero went to be with Jesus. I will never forget the moments before and after her passing. I have never been as heartbroken or devastated....yet, at the same time grateful that although we are grieving her loss, she has received her Prize. Our loss, is indeed, Heaven's gain. And God has the final word, not death. The grave is overcome....victory has won.

Nothing can prepare you for the loss of someone you love so much. It's so hard to even imagine life without someone who you've been close to since day one. And then, even when you think you're ready, they're gone... The minute my Mawmaw left this world, the ICU room was filled with uncontrollable sobs by the entire family. I'll never forget looking at my grandmother and realizing she was no longer with us. I'll never forget how it felt.....the heartbreak that she's gone and the rejoicing that she's "standing tall and whole." I'll never forget the look on my grandpa's face after losing the love of his life. I'll never forget hugging my family after it happened. I'll never forget the many prayers that my aunt said out loud as we all cried surrounding my Mawmaw in her hospital bed. And I'll never forget when my grandpa looked at me and said, "You missed school today, but you missed more than that....you missed your grandmother."

I miss her so much it hurts. I am grateful that she finally has met the One she has been longing to meet....Jesus. She was the most beautiful woman of God....and lived out her faith for us all to see. Her love for her family was deep....but her love for Jesus surpassed it. She never failed to encourage, inspire, spoil, feed, love, care, and bless anyone she met. My family knows Jesus because of her.....and she is now standing at the feet of her Savior....

I am who I am because of the woman that she was.

Rest in Peace, my sweet buddy. I miss you. I love you. I promise to make you proud.

Let Go. Let God.

Letting go is probably one of the most difficult things for me. I seem to cling to the things I feel I have control over...but, I'm learning that nothing is really in my control. Instead, it's in God's control. I am grateful for that, but it's not always easy.

I was listening to a song the other day...when I heard the line (that I've heard a million times but never really thought about), "I'm giving my life to the only One who gave me hope when I had none," I froze. I gave my life to Christ when I was 10 years old, and it was the greatest day of my life. But, when I heard that line it made me cringe because sometimes I don't "let go" like I should...I try to keep control of my life, when in reality, that control belongs to God. Sometimes, I forget that when I gave my life to Christ, I surrendered to Him...I gave up the control that I thought I had. Something tells me I'm not alone in this. And something told me to write about this tonight.

Maybe you are dealing with what seems to be a hopeless situation in your life...

Maybe you are struggling with a health problem that has become your new reality...

Maybe you are having a difficult time knowing what God has called you to do with your life...

Maybe you are afraid of a change that will be difficult for you and those you are close to...

Maybe you are weeping because someone you know is hurting...

Maybe you are frustrated because it seems no matter how hard you try, nothing changes...

Maybe you are hurt because someone you love said some very hurtful things to you...

Maybe you are stuck and it feels like you are just going through the motions of your life...

Maybe you are Homesick and longing to be in the arms of Jesus...

I don't know what it is you are dealing with. I know what I am dealing with...and my prayer is that we might let go...and let God handle whatever it is we are facing. May we realize that God is in complete and total control...and no matter how hard it seems now, it'll all be worth it in the end.

So, I'm giving my life to the only One who has all the control even in the midst of difficult things. And I'm letting go. And letting God.

Light in the darkness

I was coming home from babysitting the other night, it was dark and my mind was going in one hundred directions. I began thinking about how important headlights are on a vehicle. Without headlights, can you imagine what we would run over or hit....let alone how we would see the road in the dark. Yet, when it is light outside, lights are not important. Lights are simply there for when we need them. And, you cannot really see the lights when it is light outside.

Then I started to think about Jesus...and how Jesus is our LIGHT in LIFE. Can you imagine how we would handle things without the Light that is in our lives? It's hard to fathom. Although, sometimes it is easiest for us to SEE the Light in our lives during the darkest times in our lives. I find that during my most difficult days, I sense God's presence more because I am depending on Him, rather than just depending upon myself to make it through some things.

It is important that we understand that Jesus is our Light...and HE lights every road we may take in life. And He knows exactly where we are going, even when we do not.

I am so grateful for the LIGHT in my life. May we understand that Jesus is ALWAYS there...and we will always need Him...whether we are in the darkness or not. And although lights on our vehicles in the daylight are not important, it is important that we know that Jesus should always be the Light in our lives....even when things are dark, dim, and bright.

May we live in such a way that HIS Light shines THROUGH us so that others may know that Jesus is the source of our LIGHT in the darkest times of our lives.

I know that I needed this reminder...and I am grateful that God revealed it to me through something as simple as a car that I drive every single day.

No Matter What.

Last Sunday, I was feeling terrible, so I stayed home from church and stayed in bed. I turned on my TV in time to hear some preaching. You know, Joel Osteen, etc. Pastor Furtick at Elevation was on TV, and I was completely thrilled. I listened and loved every minute...it was an incredible, encouraging message. Then, another preacher, (I won't name any names) came on TV. His sermon was titled: "Seven People God Cannot Save." After listening for about 30 seconds, I was absolutely disgusted. It made me angry. I continued listening...determined to give his message a chance. It continued to make me even more mad. The entire time, all he did was condemn people to hell. If you do this (fill in the blank)...God cannot save you. If you have done this (fill in the blank)...God cannot save you. If you have ever thought about (fill in the blank)....God cannot save you. He went on and on about who God cannot save.

I began to think about his message. I started thinking about if I were a pastor...and had the unique opportunity of being on television...to reach a huge number of people for Christ...and the words I would say to them. I would make it my goal to offer people the HOPE that I have found in JESUS. I would make it my goal to spread the message of the Gospel. I would make it my goal to show others what it means when God's love has completely changed your life forever. I would make it my goal to tell others about how God sent His one and only Son to die a death we should have died...so they we can live a LIFE that JESUS should be living. I would do my best to tell them how much God loves them and cares for them even when they feel like no one does. I would do my very best to glorify God.

All I heard out of this pastor's mouth were words of condemnation. There was absolutely no hope and no encouragement. It made me sad. It made me angry. Why is it that when someone has the opportunity to changes lives, they do nothing but condemn people and have the nerve to say that God cannot save them? Why? It makes me even more mad that the place where this pastor was preaching was filled with at least 2,000 people. And every one of them was saying, "Amen" and clapping their hands for a man who was doing nothing but telling them that God could not save someone who (fill in the blank....).

Last time I checked, God can save ANYONE who simply says YES to Him...and asks forgiveness for their sins. No matter where you have been, what you have done....God can save you. No matter who you are, how you feel....God can save you. No matter how bad you think you have sinned....God can save you. No matter how far you think you may be from God....God can save you. No matter what...God can save you.

I don't know who is reading this, I may not even know you....but, my prayer is that you know that God can save you. God's Word says so.

I am not really sure how to wrap this up, so I am going to end it with lyrics to a song.

Mighty To Save -

Everyone needs compassion
Love that’s never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior
He can move the mountains
For my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Shine Your light and
Let the whole world see
We’re singing
For the glory of the risen King
Jesus